Chapter Twelve
Rapids on the River of Relationship River:
Large and small transitions
Notes to readers on the Web: This is a rough version of this chapter which is very much in progress.
Navigating down the river of relationship in your raft, you may suddenly encounter steep rapids. While the relationship is often blamed, the real culprit is more often the inevitable life passages that we all encounter. Many passages or transitions occur during a lifetime.
These include:
· Changing jobs
· Getting married
· Having a child
· Returning to school
· Assisting an ill or dying parent
· Losing a parent
· Encountering a serious illness
· Suffering financial misfortune
· Entering a period of depression
· Finding yourself bored with your present life
· Discovering a new interest that you are passionate about
· Building or remodeling a home.
How is this a problem for the couple you might ask? It becomes a problem when one person acts out his or her transition by suddenly withdrawing, being depressed, being quick to anger, being frequently critical, or spending inappropriate time with people outside the relationship. These acting-out behaviors cause shocks and tremors to which the other person in the relationship responds with equally unhelpful actions. This creates a system that usually grinds itself into a stuck and painful pattern.
The two people find themselves stuck in an unhealthy logjam caused by unexplained hurt and disappointment, inability to reach out and talk to one another, and painful -- often blaming -- isolating.
The single most helpful tool at this time is to realize that a transition is the real culprit here. The couple needs to pull together and face it as partners, resisting the pull to assign blame and withdraw. This is true even when the issue is a third person that is threatening the relationship.
Transitions Are Hard
However, you look at relationship, you will find the truly difficult times are a result of transitions. This happens to be true also in almost any endeavor. The transitions are the difficult part. A painter knows this, as does a sculpture. Moving from one color to another, one texture to another, is what's hard.
Going to work and coming home are daily transitions. We could learn from the cat. A cat is quite proficient at transitions. He leaves the safety of your warm home and ventures out into the dangerous world outside. He transitions from a member of your family, safe in your care, to a self-sufficient hunter, a sniffing and ever watchful defender of self. When he returns, he quickly slinks into the house and relaxes again into the ease of being a kitten in your familiar care.
Transitions cause difficulties in these three ways:
1. The nature of transition itself causes problems. We move from one state we are used to into another that we have to get used to. We like being in bed before the day gets busy. Once we are up and busy in our day, it’s hard to slow down again even to be cozy with our lover.
Also looking forward to regaining a certain good state with another person sets us up for failure because the other person may not be in the same mood are in. She’s ready for some relaxed time and you are still involved in the project you can’t seem to get right.
2. Transitions cause trouble because we often don’t get what we want in them. She finally comes home from work, you’ve been with the children all day and want some adult company and loving, and she wants to take a run -- alone. In the chapter entitled Loose Canons, we discussed how not getting our way is the source of much tension and stress.
3. Transitions are a fertile field in which to feel manipulated. We easily feel that the other is unfairly trying to get what he or she wants. Since we usually have created a picture in our minds of what we want when we come home or go through some big life change, we easily feel thwarted when our partner has his or her own agenda. We are set up to take their agenda as a personal act against us. We humans easily think we are the rational and “good” one. Probably because we are the only one inside our heads when we think something through and we agree with ourselves. Enter another mind doing the same thing and that lovely alignment disappears.
Two Common Transitions with Helpful Suggestions
Below you will find two common transitions that most of us experience often if not every day. I will also give some creative suggestions in how to deal with these small but frequent ripples in our lives.
Coming Home at the End of the Day
We don't often make our transitions as easily as cats do. We get stuck in them and fight over them. The first transition to improve is the daily routine of coming home from work. It is a difficult and daily transition. The demands of work often require hard-edged skills of negotiating with people we don’t fully trust which are hardly compatible with the softer demands of home and family. Yet, when coming in the family door, how many people actually think about the enormous transition they are making? If they did they would have to make a bigger effort to adjust.
Would that we were as good as cats at this transition because those first sixteen seconds of the homecoming are possibly the most important seconds of the day. They set the entire tone of your relationship. Think about how the greeting you are now getting makes you feel about your partner and the relationship. It will either be a joyful supportive reminder of who you are with each other or another experience of taking each other for granted and simply playing roles together.
Most people don't make that first encounter with their spouse as meaningful as it should be because they haven't prepared themselves for a transition. Life is rolling along with out the benefit of consciousness of the subtle changes.
However, the couple that knows about transitions and takes them seriously can both prevent problems and keep good feelings alive. They take the homecoming seriously and prepare themselves before coming in the door or train themselves to stop what they are doing to greet the other coming into the house. My earlier book, Love in the Trenches has an excellent description of a coming home ritual that many of my clients use and find very valuable. I’ll describe it here.
The Home Coming Ritual: Weather Report and Breathing Hug
Weather has the properties of feelings. It’s stormy in the conference room. I had a balmy day. Get out of the fog and get it right this time. If you wanted to, you could even use weather expressions to report the events of your day when you return home from work. First you think of the events: a meeting with Fred, a conference call with the other managers, lunch with your good friend, arguing with Cynthia, a hectic drive home, and looking forward to being home with sweet buns and the children.
The Weather Report: In reporting each of these events, you could use weather. For instance, you could say the meeting with Fred was a breath of fresh air, the conference call was stormy, and the drive home was a hailstorm, but looking forward to seeing you, sweetie, was the sun breaking out from behind the clouds. But we usually don’t talk like that. We use feeling words to say the same things.
That would sound like this: “I had a meeting with Fred which really relieved me, then went into a conference call which was so frustrating I can’t tell you, but I had a really good time with Suzie at lunch. Driving home was hell today for some reason, but I kept looking forward to seeing you and the kids and felt really happy.
The idea of the weather report is to share the events of the day in a personal way. Also keeping it brief. These are two important things at the end of the day around dinnertime with kids clamoring for their dues also. Compare it with this version, which lacks the personal touch. “Tell me about your day, dear.”
“Had a meeting with Pete, and then a conference with the other managers. Driving home was hell, glad to be home, whew.”
Relationships starve with this type of communication because it lacks the personal stamp of your feelings. It isn’t interesting to someone who wants to know about you and your day -- not a generic day.
The weather report also keeps it brief because it avoids long stories and facts by simply sharing the weather or feelings. All the facts or interesting stories can be told later when both people feel they can relax.
The breathing hug is the other part of the coming home ritual. It is a prolonged hug that allows you both to relax and take comfort in each other without words. To do it, you hug as normal, but when you would usually separate, you stay hugging and start breathing. You relax your arms and bodies to gently press together but not work at it. You have to be comfortable which often requires changing arm positioning. In this way, you stay together about thirty seconds. A normal hug is about six seconds or less. (I timed it a few times.) You can see how this type of hug could be much more relaxing.
Now, putting it all together, the coming home ritual would look like this:
1. “Hi, honey.” A kiss and a hug.
2. “How was your day, sweetheart?”
3. “Oh, it was pretty damn hard in the morning with the meetings I was telling you about last night. I hated every minute of it, but think I got my idea across which is a real relief. Then I had a real treat going to lunch with Suzie. She is doing great. I’ll tell you more about it over dinner. Lots of phone calls and paper work in the afternoon, but I got in the groove and actually enjoyed it. God, the drive home was a killer today. But it gave me time to think once again about how fortunate I am with you and the kids. It’s good to be home. And how about you…?”
4. Then the partner reports in a similar way.
5. They conclude with the breathing hug.
This whole ritual takes about five to ten minutes. Anything that is worth a discussion is done later. There are no prying questions, feedback, or “helpful” solutions. In this way, it is a calm, restful way to greet each other. No big work or annoying interference from the other. And the hug is a great way to use the power of the body to get in touch with each other as you go into the evening.
Since this particular transition sets the tone of the relationship, it’s worth any effort you can put into it. Make each other feel important and share your day in an interesting and personal way.
Coming Home after Travel
A less frequent, but more serious transition happens when one member of the couple has traveled and arrives home. Often the one at home has been waiting with increasing expectations for contact and connection, relief from full time childcare, or adult company. These expectations are not always met because the traveler is coming home from back-to-back business meetings, and often needs some time alone in his or her own home.
But the real problem, (you thought we had enough already?) is that all of this is happening outside the awareness of both parties. The one coming home is looking forward to seeing the other. The one at home knows the traveler might need some space. But when the reunion takes place, they don’t feel as good as they thought they would. Something is amiss.
They might even get into a fight. Or, strangely, although the one coming home thought he was hot for his lover, he doesn’t quite feel in the mood when they are actually together. It feels strange somehow and surprising.
But then the couple notices that these surprises occur frequently after a trip. They notice a pattern, and they suspect something is happening that they aren’t fully in charge of. They are and it’s called a transition.
What to Do? The advice I’m going to give can be used for this transition and for many others. The most important thing however, is to catch when you are in a transition and it is more in control than you are. It’s a big force that we have to learn to work with rather than force our way through. To do this I suggest you follow the simple formula that the acronym, ABLES, represents.
ABLES
“A” stands for awareness. As I have said, knowing that you are in a transition is a huge help. You know for instance that it’s not a good time for important discussions or decision-making. One man came home and told his wife of a patio table he saw in Phoenix that he just loved. They got into a fight over it almost on the spot. The transition magnifies certain feelings like insecurity and fears or having to have things your way. Therefore, the first thing is to be aware of the transition.
“B” stands for breathing. When you get a little panicky or reactive, breathe into your stomach a few times. This connects you to your body and keeps you in the present moment where you are less likely to feel ungrounded and projecting wild thoughts and feelings. You may magnify not getting your free time, your romantic reunion, or your relief from the children. Breath deeply and slowly a few times to help keep all in perspective.
“L” stands for listening to each other. Simply mirror each other as described in the Essential Skills chapter. Listen to each other’s thoughts, feelings, and desires without having to do anything about them. That can come later.
“E” stands for expand your point of view into the couples’ point of view. Think about both of you needing or wanting different things and having different realities. This helps you settle into each other and slows down the fear of being manipulated.
“S” stands for specific requests. Making a specific request as the Essential Skills chapter talks about keeps things limited to doable and specific requests that each person is capable of doing. They are much less frightening than global desires. For instance the man with the patio table from his trip to Phoenix could have said, “I brought a picture of a patio table I found yesterday that I want you to look at and tell me what you think. Instead, he expressed his excitement and desire for the table and scared his wife into thinking that it was a done deal and she better start fighting now to stop the bulldozer from crushing her.
Remember ABLES, and all that it stands for, in times of transition. Here is an example of a woman coming home from a trip on a Friday night after being away for the workweek:
Getting out of the cab and coming in the front door, “Hi honey, I’m home. Missed you…” hugging her partner, “ummm, feels good.” Little Ryan hugs mommy too and tells her about the rabbit Jamie brought to school. Ryan then gets ready for bed with the promise that mommy will say goodnight to him. (A well trained little boy, eh!)
“How are you doing?” Her partner asks. “Want anything?”
“I think just to sit down and talk for a while.”
They talk about the week they each had referring to the phone conversation they had on Wednesday night and giving new information since then. Ryan calls that he’s ready and they both go in and say goodnight. He gets his story read to him while mommy goes off to get settled unpacking her bags.
When the house is quiet again and her partner comes into the bedroom, she says; “I think I just need some time alone now for about a half hour to get things put away and sink in a little. Want to meet in bed after that?”
“Sounds good, and don’t worry, we’ve done this enough now that I don’t have any expectations. I do however, want to ask you about how we’re going to deal with Ryan’s soccer team and the scheduling of the games.”
“Honey, I have to ask that we wait on that. Do you think Sunday would work to look through our schedules?”
“It’s letting it go to the last minute. They wanted to know by Saturday evening.”
“I’ll call and let them know that we’re on it, but not before Sunday. We always end in a fight when we push these things when I just get home. Let’s have some cozy time before we have to deal with stuff.”
The evening goes on with them being in bed and doing whatever feels good to them whether it’s reading, making love, holding each other or talking about something that came up over the week between them or about just one of them. They avoid making any decisions or getting into any processing. They simply listen and try and support each other in quiet ways. They can do this because they know that joining up well will give them the necessary manner of connecting over the next few days that will allow whatever needs doing to get done. They, of course, live happily ever after.
Large Rapids
We will also encounter larger transitions in our lives that are particularly difficult because of their unique pain and our lack of practice in dealing with them.
Birth and Early Childhood Years
Although the transition of having a baby is a joyous and unparalleled event for the couple, the transition is also one of the most dangerous for the two people. Here is a list of things to look out for:
· The woman slowly loses herself into the mother role.
· The man feels forgotten as a partner and lover.
· The working-outside-the-home person comes home to a person who has small baby interests, which are fascinating for a while, but may not make for a stimulating conversation. Also, the at-home person may want a break from it all, not connecting time.
· The working –out-of-the-home person isn’t always great at rewarding the at-home parent with compliments, favors, special time, and appreciations.
· The house often gets a lot messier.
· Time to talk deeply is hard to have. Therefore, the issues that each may feel because of the points made above get put aside until they create feelings that often get stuck in resentment, hurt, and judgment.
· One partner does often not want sex, and the other is often resented for having desires instead of understanding.
I have always said that the early years of her child’s life is the most dangerous time in a woman’s life. The above list gives the reason for that. Add the tiredness, the loss of self as previously known, and the confusion around still being a lover and it’s easy to see how vulnerable the woman can become.
To complicate things in today’s world, add in the fact that the new mother often was a pretty heavy hitter in the business world before she surrendered to her maternal role. Chasing an infant around may be a far cry from the stimulating and rewarding life of a career. This takes a toll on self-esteem.
Death of a Child
Long ago, I was told that 95% of couples that have lost a child get divorced. I was shocked. I was also divorced, and I was in the process of losing my ten and a half year old son to a terminal disease.
The death of a child is usually feared as the worst thing that can happen to a parent. I can assure you that I too held it as a constant fear. However, you would be amazed at how many parents suffer this loss. If it’s the worst thing that a parent can fear happening, it isn’t because it is so rare.
However the parents who have lost a child are reluctant to talk about it because most people can't handle it. They, like me, sense who can relate and talk about the experience with sympathy and understanding. Usually if you admit to a loss, others open up to you and you find that there is a large community of parents who have suffered this particular tragedy.
This rough rapid is about the largest class of white water a couple can deal with. Very special attention to all the ramifications of what they are going through is the only thing that will allow the couple and family to get through it intact. I was already divorced and each of us had a support group to help us. That helped enormously.
Getting through it:
The obvious thing is dealing with grief. Even though the loss seems particularly poignant, it creates grief like any other loss. Knowing about the symptoms of grief is important. For instance, knowing to feel the pain, and also to rest from it when you can is crucial. There are now many books to help you deal with the painful feelings, thoughts, and numbness that often accompany grief. What I would like to emphasize here because it is unique to the loss of a child, is the couple dynamics that accompany it.
As I stated above, the majority of couples divorce after losing a child. Some have affairs, and some have long periods of isolation from each other.
Why is this a fact? What causes such devastating ruins after the loss of a child? I believe it is because the normal manner of relating to each other as partners is disrupted and then bitterly resented. When a child is gravely ill and dies, or dies suddenly in an accident, both parents are in a total state of grief and often guilt. They are using all their reserves for themselves, just to get through the day. They have nothing left for the other.
Also, and just as devastating, they grieve differently. While one might obsess and talk all the time about guilty feelings or the pain of the loss, the other might be bearing up silently and stoically.
These different styles plus the enormous strain of holding up and not being able to be supportive of the other’s grieving creates severe abandonment feelings, severe disappointment, and fairly soon, big judgment of each other. Feeling abandoned, each is shocked and loses respect for the other who is seen as deserting them in their hour of greatest need. And when the child is gone and buried, they feel their relationship is in the grave also.
What to do?
I have one piece of advice, and I give it strongly: Get into a support group. Thank god, they are now much more available and acceptable. You will not do well without one. Do not kid yourself that you are different and can do it as a family. For the sake of each other and the other children, get into a support group. It will greatly increase your odds of surviving this loss with your family intact.
The group filled with people who grieve like you do, will support you. You will also see the varieties of styles of suffering loss. You will also get tips on practical matters, good books, and ways to treat the other children in your family. You can find such a group under the heading of grief groups. Many local hospitals, hospices, and mental health clinics can direct you to them.
As far as book recommendations on this and the next topic, I suggest you do a search in a good bookstore or on line using the keyword, “grief.” You will find such an array of books on all aspects of this topic that I know you will get what you need.
Death of a Parent
Many people come into my office for marital counseling, and mention that their father died a few months ago, or it was there mother who they lost last year. They got through it and are putting it behind them. Or, they are still upset by it and they know it’s affecting their relationship.
Are they still feeling the symptoms of grief I ask? Do they have painful feelings of loss accompanied by depression like symptoms often including waking up early, loss of desire for food or other pleasures including sex, and a general lack of interest in most anything that isn’t absolutely required?
However, the pain of this loss has other implications all its own. You are now more alone without your parent to be the older adult in your life. If you have had issues that you thought you could work out someday with the parent who died, that hope is no longer realizable. Another situation is that your parent is also your best friend. You may be one of those who make numerous calls to your parent of choice throughout the week. Your children are also affected by losing a grandparent who has been very close to them. This grandparent may have been doing childcare or have a special relationship of another kind. All of these factors add up to a special loss when a parent dies. As with all losses being able to talk about your feelings of loss is the most helpful thing. Here are a few things to consider.
· Talking about both the wonderful qualities of the person lost as well as those qualities that you had difficulty with is important. Leaving the person in a glorified state is not a good idea.
· As helpful as it may sound, giving the idea that your children will see this person again (in heaven for instance) is not a helpful way to get through grief. Being clear that this is a loss of the person, we will not see them again is difficult but a better way to help them get through it.
· On the other hand, having pictures around and talking about your memories – the good ones and the bad ones — is useful to yourself and to your children.
· Avoid the temptation to shy away from these discussions because they are painful. As with any trauma, the pain needs to be brought out and shared, even though this is counter-intuitive.
The most helpful thing the partner of a person who has lost a parent can do is to listen to them, encourage them to talk about their feelings, make it safe to talk about them by listening only. Avoid problem solving with them, and give them some extra room to be distracted and less focused.
The grief field is too large to single out a few books. Any good search on line or at a bookstore will yield just the book you need. Look under grief of someone you love.
Job Dissatisfaction
This topic about jobs belongs in the business department of the bookstore, not here. While that statement is true, it is important to say that your dissatisfaction with your job can be a huge relationship issue if you are not facing up to it. And, the older a person grows, the less he or she wants to face up to making a change.
People in my profession are very vulnerable to this problem because they have invested years in developing a practice. Maybe also, they are getting close to being able to retire if they just work another six to ten years. With that situation, starting over in another field can look awfully scary.
Nevertheless, when the time to stop doing what you are doing comes along, it often is not in your control. You are done. And that’s all there is to it. Here comes the relationship part. You are unhappy, you are vaguely aware that you aren’t so glad at your job anymore, but you dismiss that as the big issue (because you are scared of that path) so you blame your relationship for not making life exciting enough for you.
The important thing here is to realize that if you are not happy, it probably isn’t your relationship that’s causing it. You might want more from your relationship, but it isn’t the main cause of your unhappiness. Generally, you need to look to your own life for answers to your unhappiness.
Simply ask yourself how you are enjoying your work. Do your groan when you think about it. Is this a new attitude? If you find that you are tired of it and wish to make a change, ask yourself how possible that is for you. If it is impossible or terribly unpractical, you need to figure out how to deal with the problem.
But, how is not within the scope of this book. All I need to say here is quit blaming your partner for your general dissatisfaction in life and check out your desire for your work. But, there’s more. You could also start talking to your partner about these feelings about work. It will take some of the fear away, and you won’t feel so alone.
Money Issues
Differences about how to spend, save, quantity needed, and ways of tracking your money will plague you through many of these transitions. When one person wants to stop working to go back to school, when an illness affects the income level, or one person wants a higher standard of living and the other doesn’t want added pressure, you will need to deal with your own relationship to money and then work out how to relate to each other around it.
Building or Remodeling a Home
The excitement of dreaming about a new home or fitting yours to your custom needs is lots of fun and can be extremely engaging. The executing of the project however has led many a couple into hell. The two most significant problems you will face are the inherent power struggle of who gets their way, and the time and energy drain on one or both of you and the drain from the relationship into the project itself. The relationship loses itself in this project all too easily.
If one of you is doing the planning, managing, or building, you will see every minute you put into the project as family or relationship time. You are giving of yourself for the good of the family. Trouble is the other might want real not virtual family time. Taking time out from the project and having old-fashioned family or relationship time might seem like being distracted from the demands of getting an immense project finished. The struggle that ensues over this relationship need is one of the power struggles. The other is a struggle over taste, costs, practicality versus esthetics, and how much time to get it exactly right is worthwhile.
I have had a few couples come into therapy during their remodel, and leave soon after the project was done. This tells us something about the stress of the whole thing doesn’t it? Once again being able to talk about everything seems to be the key. If both people feel consulted about the project, the amount of time to put into it, how decisions will be made, cost implications, and the myriad of other things involved, the power struggle will turn into a partnership endeavor.
Partnering comes form consulting rather than demanding, manipulating or bossing. Too often in these projects however “efficiency” wins out over consulting. This “efficiency” can be very emotionally draining if it makes one or the other person feel left out and not important. The “efficiency” will then turn counterproductive. When a person feels left out of not important, they have nasty habits of casting a negative pall over the whole deal. Their nastiness or pouting can change the project from productive and good to stagnating and emotionally draining. Best to talk over how you will make decisions in ways that will be truly efficient.
A Few Ideas:
1. Before the project gets into the execution stage, discuss how you will make decisions and how one person can call for a discussion at any time they feel the project is becoming a negative drag on them.
2. Use the ABLES tool above when talking about problems that arise.
3. Agree on how you will decide certain things to deal with your different tastes.
a. One practical solution that couples have used is to decide that one person can veto anything. Therefore only things that you both love will be approved. This takes time to keep searching but yields happy results.
b. Another idea is to time-share. This means one person gets control over a certain area while the other gets control over a different one.
4. Not getting more attached to the project than to your partner always helps.
5. Take a vacation from the project from time to time. A weekend off duty won’t kill the project or your momentum.
Illness
Besides depression, an illness that I discussed along with anxiety in chapter five, any serious illness is going to send waves through the waters of an otherwise calm relationship. However, I don’t think this is a mystery. The reasons or the causes are not hard to understand or foresee. The partnership becomes uneven in care taking and physical matters, often cognitive impairment results in a disconnect between otherwise connected people, the burden of care taking without relationship rewards begins to weigh heavily, fear of loss of the ill person looms over the union, and a changed personality of the ill person creates fears and resentments in the other.
Many know these issues even though they may not experience them until they are deeply involved in an illness related life style. I think the hard part is to be aware that you are in a transition, and need to focus awareness and energy on how that affects each of you and the relationship. This is a case of knowledge being power.
Feelings will come up that aren’t caused by the relationship. They are caused by what the illness is doing to you both. Parkinson’s, M.S., Aids, Cancer, and other similarly debilitating illnesses will change your lives. Most typical people begin this new life style in an attempt to simply get through each day. Slowly, new tasks become ritualized. Friends may lend a hand. But, like the ebb and flow of tides, real changes become apparent only when you can see it from a fresh perspective. An outsider can easily call attention to what is happening in your life, and you could say, “Wow, you’re right, I guess that is what we are doing now aren’t we!”
Therefore, being aware that you have entered a transition is important. Then, you can start paying attention to how you are going to deal with the emerging issues.
Getting Through It
This is another situation much like grieving in which getting help is required because you are way too involved in the problem. A support group -- like Parkinson’s, Cancer, Stroke, and Diabetes -- will help you feel part of a number of people with this new problem you are facing. The caretaker can talk to other caretakers, and the ill person can get support from others also. Both can hear common complaints and possible solutions from others not so close and therefore possibly threatening to themselves.
The biggest problems are going to arise from the roles you are each assuming now that an illness is part of your life. You didn’t sign up for these roles, and they may be the exact opposite of what you think you would have been suited for. The caretaker may be better suited to being the patient for instance. Once again, the universe may be conspiring to give you big lessons. Certain people make terrible patients. Receiving help and being dependent are the last things they want. They have been givers all their lives – proud, strong, and independent.
Each illness has literature on the illness itself and the effects on family and spouse. It is easy to acquire these books from the doctor or clinic that you are attending. You would want to gain as much knowledge about your illness as possible.
Affairs
Now we come to a loaded topic. Some of you won’t like my attitude about affairs if you have been cheated on and see yourself as the innocent bystander. Most often affairs are an indication of something amiss in the relationship. The obstacle to viewing it this way for some is that they never felt a problem in the relationship before they were “affaired“ upon.
We are not talking here about an accident, or one time slip at a convention. An affair is usually considered to be an intentional relationship with or without sex that is outside the knowledge of one’s partner. Usually an affair has as its purpose to get something believed to not be available in the relationship.
Oddly enough, going to therapy can fit into this description. It’s dangerous to establish a relationship that begins to have more intimacy than ones primary love relationship. Both therapist and client need to be aware of this danger and include the partner when signs of this appear.
Many people end up going to therapy after an affair is found out. They often work things out and become a stronger couple, or sometimes they split up because the affair revealed things about each of them or their relationship that are no longer tolerable.
As you might expect, many people have written about recovering from affairs, healing the pain and rebuilding your life again. I even found a book that was dedicated to having affairs in a competent, and dignified way.
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When A Partner Has Been Unfaithful, by Janis Abrahms , Ph.D. and Michael Spring and Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris, and Adultery: the Forgivable Sin, by Bonnie Eaker Well, Ph.D. Frank Pittman’s Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.
Addictions
When an addiction enters a family or relationship, it’s like a rat seen in the house. It drives everyone crazy and is hard to catch and do something about. The word “denial” is the biggy here. You ask in a concerned way, “Don’t you think you’re drinking more than you should?” and you get back something about minding your own business. When a problem exists, and you can’t talk about it; you can be sure you have a true problem. It’s also something that really makes people crazy in relationships. Can we say, “Denial?”
The defense mechanism of denial functions by not allowing a person to look at something or feel a certain emotion. The feeling or issue is either too scary or too much is at stake. Losing an addiction to alcohol, sex, work, or drugs is a very threatening concept to an addicted person. If he or she is not in denial, the problem isn’t too serious yet. Treatment can be entered into, and the process of healing can begin. But, getting through denial is the real issue for most couples and families. Often the family is in denial. The expression having an elephant in the living room and no one mentioning it has been coined to express the fear in all the family members, which prohibits mention of the changed behavior or actions of the addicted person.
You’ve heard of people having to hit bottom before they will do something about their problem. This is sometimes confused with having to sink to being a street person in rags diving into dumpsters for food. However, it doesn’t have to be, and indeed usually isn’t, that extreme. But, something needs to jolt the person into thinking that the addiction is not giving him or her all that life can offer. There has to be a wake up call.
The best advice I can give you, if you have this rat in your house is to take care of yourself. This is called healing from your co-dependence. The first step may be to go to an Alanon group. Members of this twelve-step program help each other to realize that they are powerless to change the behavior of the addicted person. They encourage each other to stay out of the addicted person’s issues and instead focus on living healthily themselves. This could involve refusing to cover for the embarrassing situations created by the addicted one. Or it could mean not driving with the person who has had too much to drink, or allowing a child to do the same. Not going along with the long hours at work, the constant sexual stimulation or infidelities, or the altered mood that a drug gives.
When you take your life seriously and live it the way it suits you best, you have often done the best thing possible for the other who needs to get out of denial. However, if your life is taken up with complaining, cajoling, and hiding along with the addict, you have become part of perpetuating the drama.
Help with Addictions
This is one of the largest fields in the self-help section of book stores. It now even has its own section in larger stores. Therefore, you must go and browse to find something that suits you at whatever stage you are. Because of the immensity of this problem, many wonderful programs and resources are available. I highly recommend the group approach as the best support one can get. It’s free and the group is a welcome relief from the isolation that the partner or child of an addict feels.
Aging
This aging thing is another creeper. First it’s the need for reading glasses, the fumbling, losing, “Oh, damn where are my glasses?” Then there’s the sexual dryness or slow erections, the fatigue in general, knees and joints feeling some soreness, putting on weight, and the diseases that start threatening to appear or actually do appear. In general, it’s best to say that aging is the pits. Yes, there is an increase in wisdom about how things work in the world, and a general relaxing into a slower and less anxious pace, but even if you are lucky enough to enjoy those benefits, the physical symptoms of this disease we call aging is still most unwelcome.
Therefore, you may be grumpy. You also may start shying away from things you used to do. You might be embarrassed that you can’t do certain things anymore. You need glasses to read maps and directions when the sun goes down. As I said, you might get grumpy.
When we get grumpy, the nearest person is often the recipient of our unhappiness. We find fault with him or her. We are impatient. We project our own disgruntled awareness of our aging onto them and make critical comments about the others slowness, or forgetfulness.
And this is the tip of the iceberg. More serious conditions set in. Vaginal dryness becomes an issue for women approaching menopause, and slow or hard-to-maintain erections threaten the aging male. Both of these age related sexual issues could be taken personally if the partner were not conscious of the aging issues.
Even more serious issues of illness that impede daily functioning can force a whole new lifestyle within a relationship. Needless to say, all of these matters affect how each person feels about self and how he or she treats the other.
As with all the transitions discussed in this chapter, the key will be to blame the changes on the transition and talk about the emerging issues and the desires to handle them in ways that use your relationship, love, and companionship to help you both get through it.
Many books are coming out now about different areas of aging. The book, Sex Over Forty came out a number of years ago and is probably out of date already. With the baby boomers aging, come new books on every facet of their lives and issues. Some of the areas you might want to look into are aging and sex, aging and meaning in life, various illnesses usually occurring in the mature years, and retirement.
Of all the large transitions to consider about aging, none would be more practical than retirement. It can be a wonderful time or a terrible time. Perhaps you know people who are finding it great or a problem. Articles that are popping up more and more frequently are stressing the need to prepare for this lifestyle change. The key seems to be gathering interests and passions that exist apart from work and children. Studies indicate that people who have these interests thrive in retirement while others have a harder time using their time in enjoyable ways.
Remember the five-to-one ratio of happy relationships.
Five positive interactions to each negative one.