Appendix A

Juicy Examples of Men Learning to Grow

Although all these examples are from men (being one myself),
I thought this would be inspiring to other men and also interesting
to you females who are constantly knocked off your world view when
a man grows.

Projection

Jake began to feel resentful of Judy's depression. He said she
was killing his joy. Harping on her about it was causing them both
to grow resentments and diminish their sex life.
Jake sees himself as a happy-go-lucky person before they were
married. He remembers lots of exciting and fun times with friends
out on the prowl and on camping trips.
However, his sister also remembers times of his feeling alone
and down in the dumps. She remembers coming into his room on more
than one occasion and finding him curled up in a ball on his bed.
When she asked him what the matter was, he couldn't tell her and
asked to be left alone.
But in the relationship with Judy, these episodes never
occurred. He was the one who wanted to do things and had a positive
attitude about getting through problems and making the best of
things. In fact, Judy felt preached to a lot about keeping a
positive attitude.
They went to couples therapy. "I was in for a very rude
awakening when therapy started confronting me," Jake reports. "Deep
down, I knew I agreed to go to therapy with Judy in order to get
some help for her depression. And the therapist didn't disappoint
me on that score. But, she also turned the therapy on me and I
learned a few things about how I had been projecting my deep fear
of depression onto Judy in order to avoid dealing with these
feelings myself. You might say I picked Judy, a depressed woman, so
I could have a scape goat and not deal with my own depressive
issues.
"It was hard for me to sit with my own feelings, especially
the painful or fearful ones. Learning to be with my fears and take
care of my sadness instead of Judy's depressing ones was one of the
hardest things I have had to learn in life.
"However, I can tell you now that once I learned to stop
fearing my pain, I became a stronger individual and am a lot easier
to be with. Judy may be depressed at times, but she doesn't avoid
her feelings. I learned that she was the honest one in the family,
and I was the one running away from things.

Myers Briggs

Mindy and I
When Mindy and I would make plans for a vacation, it would
always end in our trying to make the best out of a mess we had
created. I was always disappointed because I wanted the joy of
looking forward to a well planned retreat. I would blame her for
never sticking to the plan we had conceived of. She would initially
suggest something that I thought was a great idea. I would eagerly
agree and start thinking about it as a fun time together.
But, a few weeks before the event, she would change her mind,
adding or subtracting some of the original plan and putting in
something entirely new. I would freak out. I felt totally
disrespected as if my desires didn't matter at all. What I had come
to expect didn't count anymore.
Learning about the Myers Briggs Type Indicator helped us have
a lot more understanding of this. I learned that she, being a
perceiving type, loved to keep tweaking plans, gathering more
information and making it better and better to her way of thinking.
I am a judging type and liked to plan, make decisions, and
then look forward to them. Knowing what we were going to do and
growing in anticipation made me feel secure and happy.
Understanding that we were both just doing our thing and
reacting to each other in very predictable ways helped us a lot. We
even started laughing about it, and worked out ways to accommodate
each other.

Jim and me
Learning about the Myers Briggs Type Indicator sure gave me
insight into Jim which I sorely needed. He's an ENFJ and loves to
have good times and grow in new experiences. Learning that helped
me take back some judgments about him. I used to think he was self
absorbed and a boy/man, not taking responsibility for the world
around him.
When I learned that I, as an ISFJ, have a great sense of
responsibility for society, it helped me see him as different, not
wrong. So, when I go off to do my community service and he wants to
hang out and invent another bread making method, I tell myself he
is doing his way, and I am doing mine. Maybe his bread technique
will bring happiness to the masses, I encourage myself. This
knowledge frees us up. It allows the fun times we enjoy together to
feel good and rewarding.

Enneagram

Being a seven means I want what I want. I have an eight wing
too, which means I can get bossy about getting what I want. Life is
full for me with interesting ideas, challenges, and experiences.
But I get sour and sometimes panicky when I'm not being stimulated
with interesting ideas or people making connections with me.
I can also get critical with situations that appear stuck and
lifeless. On the other hand, I have gifts to offer in my desire to
live fully. And, my eagerness can be infectious.
However, people do feel pushed by me and I can subtly consider
them on a lower plane because they live life less fully and with
less gusto. And while, my eight wing is known for getting things
done and I can organize people to get even more done, it has to be
watched that it doesn't just get what I want at the expense of
other people.
The thing that I have to grow with the most is learning to
relate to my own inner fears and pain. I have never liked that part
of life, and have tried to avoid it in the past. Running from pain
and fear has made me try and fix others and avoid acting as
vulnerably as I truly felt deep down. I have now learned to treat
the pain and fear in me more like a loving parent would treat a
child who was hurting or afraid.
In this way I avoid my type's weak point in not liking to
experience pain and conflict and also learn to be stimulated and
relational within myself. This lessens the panic when I fear I'm
not going to have the experience or the connection or the new
challenge I wanted. Balancing the joy and excitement of life as I
live it along with developing loving compassion for others is my
life long learning.

Confronting Self not Other -- Differentiation

I used to get really pissed off at my wife for being depressed
and killing the fun of our social life. She would cancel out on
dates with friends at the last moment and leave us with nothing to
do that evening or Sunday afternoon.
Sure, she would feel bad about it, but it still affected the
both of us. I would smolder for days and finally I began to shy
away from making any arrangements with others or looking forward to
events or outings because I didn't want to be disappointed.
This was our situation for years before we went to counseling.
Imagine my consternation when I was faced with the material about
differentiation. "You mean," I said, looking imploringly at the
counselor, "that I have to deal with my feeling isolated because
she cancels all the time? I don't get to try and change her habits
since she's the one creating the problem of our being so unreli-
able?"
The counselor assured me that I had little or no control over
my wife's depression or her habits about dealing with it. However,
"You need to take more charge of how your social life works." That
didn't sit well with me, but I had agreed to make a good faith
effort at the counseling, and so I hung in there. Finally we
arrived in the counseling at the part about our own myths and
prohibitions. I got to see why I was hanging back.
I always knew that there was a simple solution to the whole
problem, but I had been unwilling to do it. I knew I could make
arrangements with friends that included the possibility that Myra
might cancel at the last minute, but I would come anyway. But now,
I learned that I had been unwilling to do this practical solution
because I wanted us to do everything as a couple.
My identity was as a couple. That was the hard part to change
for me. I was afraid that if I started doing things on my own with
other people, we would drift apart and lose the relationship. I
held a myth that stated I was happy only if we did everything
together.
In fact, the opposite happened...but not immediately. At first
I resented doing things on my own. But gradually I would find that
I came home from an event and shared it with Myra who was genuinely
happy for me. My not feeling controlled by her health, and her
happiness for my freedom reduced the tension between us, and I
enjoyed the time alone with her a lot more.
And, without the pressure on her to take care of my social
needs and general happiness, she seemed to get out a little more
often with me. I see all of this as a mystery -- how it works that
is -- but it does work for us.

Healing the Relationship to Self

#1 Unhooking from continuing the fights.

I couldn't let go of getting defensive and resenting my wife's
stinging comments about me. I would try and take it calmly, saying
it didn't matter, and then get hooked and argue and end up making
nasty comments back at her. I always hated myself for doing it.
My therapist asked me to read David Schnarch's book, Passion-
ate Marriage, and see if I could see myself in it. I did see that
I couldn't really blame her for my getting hooked into continuing
the fights. She really should be able to say anything and not
control me into fighting. If I was fighting, it was me. I said I
didn't want to fight. But, knowing this was just the beginning. I
struggled with it in therapy until I learned a few things like:

1) Underneath my getting hooked was my own lack of relation-
ship to a fear within me. A part of me was very afraid that I was
not enough, not enough in the world especially. I wasn't successful
enough it feared.

2) How had I been dealing with this fear? I was trying to
avoid it, pretend that I didn't have it, or fix it away which I
suddenly saw was a form of killing it. If it were a real person, it
would have not liked my form of relating to it at all.

3) I learned that I simply had to open to that part of me,
allow it to be there and to send it maternal loving. Simply allow
it to be and open my heart to it. Simply caring that it hurt, but
doing nothing more.

4) I also began to admit to it with my wife by saying that I
was a man who feared that I was not enough, and that the fear of
that got triggered in our fights. When I made that admission to her
the first time, I felt a burden lift from me. I was suddenly not
alone with all my fears. I also felt part of the greater human
community.

Now, of course, it seems pretty clear to me because I went
through the process, but it was like a new world when I did it the
first time.
Funny, but I have not been reactive since that growth spurt.
Now, I try and relate to other scared parts in me in the same way.
It has softened me and allowed me to grow in being softer with
others. They have their fears and I have mine. We are all in it
together.

#2 A trip to the Therapist's Office:

The bottomless pit inside:
"I'm being so supportive of Emily right now," he said, "with
her workshop schedule, her parents' visit, and the retreat she's
going to this weekend that I feel real needy myself. I feel like I
have given all I can and I need some connecting from her or I'll
crash."
"And, if you put it out that way, she can't move toward you.
She'll feel pressured and threatened." The calm and intent
therapist said.
"But it's the truth. I've been giving a lot. She needs to come
forward to me."
"Yes, she probably does, but she can't do it the way you are
talking now."
"Why?"
"Because there's an edge to your tone, there's a whine, a
resentment, that is going to feel judgmental and blaming. No woman
on earth is going to be brought closer to you with that edge and
that tone. They will sniff out an agenda that scares them off."
"Oh," he said with shoulders drooped and a mouth that
scrunched into a pout.
"Let's see what's going on Inside you." She counseled. "Can
you get in touch in your body with the feeling that she needs to
come forward because you need something right now?"
"Yes...I feel it in my stomach and my chest, like a burning
sensation."
"Good. Just breathe with it for a minute....How do you relate
to that part of you now? I mean, are you friendly, going toward it
or do you want to pull back?"
"God no, I'm scared of it. It pushes me away. It feels
pressuring." He said and then a recognition swept over him: "Wow
that's how I come across to others sometimes."
"Yes, interesting huh. Why is it scary?"
"It seems so big -- like a bottomless pit -- and I don't think
I can do anything for it. It also seems so desperate that it makes
me want to ignore it, or hide it. I don't want people to know it's
mine."
"Let me ask you this; If you can't relate to it or accept it,
what do you think it would do?"
"Well, it wouldn't feel good. It probably would feel ignored
and desperate -- like a child would."
"Yes."
"But I don't have a clue how to help it. I am totally
intimidated by its pure need. This is amazing to me that I feel
helpless with this THING in me."
"Pretty surprising, yeah."
"It seems to need something from Emily, and it wants it
badly."
"You think it needs from outside of you?"
"Yeah."
"But you don't know how to relate to it yourself?"
"No"
"Well, how could it feel calm with that kind of break inside
of you?"
"Good point." He said. "And, now that I'm in touch with this,
I realize I don't often feel satisfied. I go from one encounter and
look forward to another because I'm not satisfied."
"It makes sense that if you don't relate to it yourself, it
will never feel accepted and satisfied, no matter what it receives
from outside."
"It amazes me that I don't know how to do it."
"A myth you live with, that you can't relate to this desperate
and wanting part of you." She said with a little smile.
"Yes, the part that wants what it wants and wants to be seen
and validated for its desires."
"For now it may be sufficient to just accept that you know
it's there, and it wants to be seen and validated, and you don't
think you can do it."
"This seems really important. This part is at my core. It runs
me at times. I can feel that now. I want to get through this and
it's hard to believe I can't do it."
"Let's try something." She said and saw a humbled look of
willingness to try anything from him.
"Imagine a person you care about and love. Nothing to do to
fix them or get from them. Simply hold that person in your mind in
a caring way."
"Okay, I have that."
"Just be there with that person.
After a while, she said, "Now, who is that?"
"My son."
"Okay, good, now simply transfer that quality of caring onto
the part of you that you see as a bottomless pit."
He sat for a while and then a slow smile transformed his
mouth, "I can do that, yes. It seems simpler now. My stomach feels
much better, much lighter. Seems easier than I imagined. I can keep
trying to care about it, when I feel it."
"You don't have to do much do you?"
"No, it seems so simple now."

He left that day and started a new life within that made him
feel calmer to himself. Even Emily commented on it months later.

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